The Empty Soul

Waiting for him was a regular thing, since we have been married. I am used to it or I should be. But sometimes I wonder if that is all worth it. During our 12 years together, he always made me wait. I would cook dinner and wait for him to come home, but most days he never made it on time, or he would come home having dinner out. So most of my efforts were wasted and so was the dinner I always made.

May be it is time to reconsider my feelings for him. Should I spend the rest of my life waiting for him like this? I remember the last time I had made something special for him. It was for our anniversary, and as always, I made his favorite meal and dessert, got myself a new dress with his favorite color, which was turquoise blue and then set the table for a special candlelit dinner with soft music in the background. But that day, he didn't come home at all. He just called me and said that he was on his way to airport, and that he was going to New York for business contract. Well that’s what he said at that time and believed him. Why shouldn't I? Most important thing was that he forgot our anniversary. Again!

I cried bucket that day, most of the day anyway. Then I decided, why should I cry over a guy who doesn't care for me at all? I was just a commodity to him. Nothing more. I decided that it was time to take my life back in to my hand. So I left him a message for him to call me as soon as possible and that it was matter of life and death. And guess what? He called me an hour later. Well that worked. So I told him that I want a divorce. Yes I told him over the phone. Normally I wouldn't spring something like this on the phone, but what else could I do when he is never at home? So when I told him, he said he will be home soon so that we could discuss this. I didn't see any need for any discussion. What we had before is over. He changed, and I didn't. He is not the guy I fell in love 12 years ago. He was so caring and loving. That is what I wanted from him most. Not this shell of a marriage.

So as usual, I waited for him to come home so that we could end this once and for all. I thought this day too would be just like before. But surprisingly it wasn't. He came home that day and early too. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at this. So I just stood staring at him, waiting for him to say any thing.

“Tracey” he said. He was looking pale and little bit of frightened. I didn't know why. “Please, forgive me” he said. I looked at him, but didn't say anything. This was his turn to talk. “I know I treated to badly, but I didn't know how much until you told me about the divorce”

“What?” I exclaimed, “You know that, but not how much?” I asked him “what sort of comment is that?” I was getting angry now. Who wouldn't be with that insensitive remark?

“But Tracey, you love me!” he said

“I loved you, yes. But not anymore Brian” I said

“What? You mean you found someone else?”

Of all the things I didn't expect him to say that. He thought I was leaving him, because I found someone else? What a colossal nerve of the man. To think that I sacrificed 12 years of my life for such a man, I wonder if there is anything wrong with me.

“Are you crazy?  Is that what you think what happened?

“Isn't it?”

“No, it isn't” I said. “It seems you didn't understand me at all. Well let me tell you something Brian. When we first met, you were so great and kind, so funny, that I fell in love with you. But over the years, the love that we shared, just wilted away because you stopped loving me. You spent all of our marriage time on your business that I was left with nothing. I forgave you for all the missed dinners and forgotten anniversaries. But this is the last straw” I said.

“But Tracey, I didn't stop loving you, I still do love you. All this time I worked so that we could live happily, so that I could give everything you wanted”

“Happily?” I asked “is this what it looks like, me spending alone in this big house happily? You think that it’s all I wanted. It shows how much you know me. All I wanted was your love. I didn't want all this wealth. They are nothing. This house is nothing, just an empty building without a soul. You didn't even ask what I want.” I told him. All this talk was making me teary, but it was kind of a relief. Finally got the chance to say what I wanted to say after a very long time.

“If you felt that way, we could have just talked” he said, the insensitive jerk

“Talk?” I looked at him, amazed that he could say such a thing. “When did we ever get the time to talk? YOU WERE NEVER HOME” I shouted the last bit. I couldn't control it.

Then I really looked at him. He still didn't understand. He just looked confused now. Then I saw myself in the future. How I would be if I decided to stay with him in spite of all this. It was really a scary thought. Lonely and bitter old woman that is what I would be. And I didn't want that. I wanted more out of this life. I want to really live, not this empty shell of a woman that I have been all these years. I want to see the world, travel as much as I can if it is possible.

Then I looked at him and said “it’s over Brian, I want a Divorce!”