The Empty Soul

Waiting for him was a regular thing, since we have been married. I am used to it or I should be. But sometimes I wonder if that is all worth it. During our 12 years together, he always made me wait. I would cook dinner and wait for him to come home, but most days he never made it on time, or he would come home having dinner out. So most of my efforts were wasted and so was the dinner I always made.

May be it is time to reconsider my feelings for him. Should I spend the rest of my life waiting for him like this? I remember the last time I had made something special for him. It was for our anniversary, and as always, I made his favorite meal and dessert, got myself a new dress with his favorite color, which was turquoise blue and then set the table for a special candlelit dinner with soft music in the background. But that day, he didn't come home at all. He just called me and said that he was on his way to airport, and that he was going to New York for business contract. Well that’s what he said at that time and believed him. Why shouldn't I? Most important thing was that he forgot our anniversary. Again!

I cried bucket that day, most of the day anyway. Then I decided, why should I cry over a guy who doesn't care for me at all? I was just a commodity to him. Nothing more. I decided that it was time to take my life back in to my hand. So I left him a message for him to call me as soon as possible and that it was matter of life and death. And guess what? He called me an hour later. Well that worked. So I told him that I want a divorce. Yes I told him over the phone. Normally I wouldn't spring something like this on the phone, but what else could I do when he is never at home? So when I told him, he said he will be home soon so that we could discuss this. I didn't see any need for any discussion. What we had before is over. He changed, and I didn't. He is not the guy I fell in love 12 years ago. He was so caring and loving. That is what I wanted from him most. Not this shell of a marriage.

So as usual, I waited for him to come home so that we could end this once and for all. I thought this day too would be just like before. But surprisingly it wasn't. He came home that day and early too. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at this. So I just stood staring at him, waiting for him to say any thing.

“Tracey” he said. He was looking pale and little bit of frightened. I didn't know why. “Please, forgive me” he said. I looked at him, but didn't say anything. This was his turn to talk. “I know I treated to badly, but I didn't know how much until you told me about the divorce”

“What?” I exclaimed, “You know that, but not how much?” I asked him “what sort of comment is that?” I was getting angry now. Who wouldn't be with that insensitive remark?

“But Tracey, you love me!” he said

“I loved you, yes. But not anymore Brian” I said

“What? You mean you found someone else?”

Of all the things I didn't expect him to say that. He thought I was leaving him, because I found someone else? What a colossal nerve of the man. To think that I sacrificed 12 years of my life for such a man, I wonder if there is anything wrong with me.

“Are you crazy?  Is that what you think what happened?

“Isn't it?”

“No, it isn't” I said. “It seems you didn't understand me at all. Well let me tell you something Brian. When we first met, you were so great and kind, so funny, that I fell in love with you. But over the years, the love that we shared, just wilted away because you stopped loving me. You spent all of our marriage time on your business that I was left with nothing. I forgave you for all the missed dinners and forgotten anniversaries. But this is the last straw” I said.

“But Tracey, I didn't stop loving you, I still do love you. All this time I worked so that we could live happily, so that I could give everything you wanted”

“Happily?” I asked “is this what it looks like, me spending alone in this big house happily? You think that it’s all I wanted. It shows how much you know me. All I wanted was your love. I didn't want all this wealth. They are nothing. This house is nothing, just an empty building without a soul. You didn't even ask what I want.” I told him. All this talk was making me teary, but it was kind of a relief. Finally got the chance to say what I wanted to say after a very long time.

“If you felt that way, we could have just talked” he said, the insensitive jerk

“Talk?” I looked at him, amazed that he could say such a thing. “When did we ever get the time to talk? YOU WERE NEVER HOME” I shouted the last bit. I couldn't control it.

Then I really looked at him. He still didn't understand. He just looked confused now. Then I saw myself in the future. How I would be if I decided to stay with him in spite of all this. It was really a scary thought. Lonely and bitter old woman that is what I would be. And I didn't want that. I wanted more out of this life. I want to really live, not this empty shell of a woman that I have been all these years. I want to see the world, travel as much as I can if it is possible.

Then I looked at him and said “it’s over Brian, I want a Divorce!”

Secret Love

He is here. I saw him. But he was not alone. What a gorgeous woman he was with. I wonder who she is. He barely noticed me, well, who would? Compare to her, I am no beauty. Well she is welcome to him. That’s what I told myself. Of course I am not jealous! Why should I be? I am just a friend to his sister Cathie. I have no right to be jealous of her. I wish I never came to this party!

 

Cathie introduced me to lots of people except to her brother. Of course there is no need to introduce isn't it? We knew each other for along time now. But God! I took such a pain to make myself beautiful just for him and he just came with another woman who is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

“Oh Jenny, there you are” he suddenly called me. I didn't even notice him coming nearer. What must he think of me? “Cat got your tongue?” he asked. His eyes were laughing at me as he always does.

“I…no…” I was speechless for a moment.

“oh I can see” he said smilingly. “Well let me introduce Tina. She is my cousin and you have never met her before, Tina, this is Jennifer, Cathie’s best friend.”

It was his cousin! I could dance a jig or so. And I could keep on hoping that he will notice me, now that I have grownup.

Then Tina was called away. And he turned back to me. “Well Jenny, you have grownup to be a beautiful young woman. And then there will be lots of admirers fighting for your hand! Mark my words Jenny” he said and I wondered what he would say if I tell him that the only admirer I want would be just him.

Well at least he noticed me as a grownup young woman instead of the little brat who followed him begging him to take her Cathie around.

We talked for a while and then he did something I've been dreaming for a long time. He asked me to dance with him. Imagine that! Then the party was all I ever could hope for. We danced and danced that night, and I wished it can go on forever and ever. Jut to be with him!

Dearest Love…

Dearest Michel,

I am sorry I doubted you. I know I should have allowed you to explain, but I was too proud and too scared to listen, incase you admitted that it was the truth. I regretted that I didn’t give you a chance and I paid dearly for it. because of my suspicions now I have to live with this pain in my heart and feel loneliness and emptiness. 

I don't why I believed that woman but that is not an excuse, because I should have trusted you to tell me the truth no matter what.

Do you think that life will be the same as before if we get back together? I always wondered about that. My thoughts going from ‘what ifs’ to ‘maybes’ just to find answers.

I hope this reach you before it’s too late because I heard you were planning to leave this country to never to return.

Oh Darling! I miss you so much, please forgive me, I will never doubt you again. I realized that without trust that I can’t move forward. The trust I should have in your love…

With Love 

Karen

......................................................................................................................

Oh Karen love,

I am glad that you started to believe in me and my love. I tried to hate you for what you put me through for without you I was lost. I even made my bosses angry because I couldn’t concentrate on my work. How I wished you were with me and that we wouldn’t have to part so soon after our wedding.

I too think about the all the ‘ifs’ and ‘maybes’ but it never helped me to overcome your loss. I love you Karen, and it made me angry that you had so little trust in me, that you believed that jealous woman told. Why couldn’t you believe that for me you were enough, and that you are all I ever wanted. What use it is to me that all the women in out there in the world that you are the only one who mattered to me? I forgive you my love, and let’s forget all this and start anew. Life may not be the same as before but believe me that with this behind us, and lesson leant from it, together we could make a better life than before. Trust is important so is love. We shall overcome obstacles if we are together with all the blows that life may throw us.

I need you and miss you.

Love Michael

P. S. I cancelled my trip and waiting for you where we first met.

Fare Thee Well...

I never knew you loved me,

For I was stupid

I believed your words

The words of you not loving me

Of loving another

I believed your lies

Oh how stupid could I be?

I am sorry for leaving you

I wish I had trusted my heart

I wish could turn back the clock

To the times where we spent our days with joy

I wish wasn’t so blind, not to see your love

Shining through your eyes

Where are you?

Please come back

Don’t leave me

I don’t want you to leave me, for I cannot live without you

If I didn’t get your letter

The letter, which was hidden in your Diary

I would never know of your love, of how much you loved me

I would have go on believing you and your lies

Please don’t be so cruel

Please don’t be so noble

I wish I could call you to come back for I need you

You showed me what love

You taught me how it is to be loved

Everywhere I see

I could see your smile and laughter, haunting me

I could feel your presence even when you are not there

Oh, I wish I had stayed with you

I know I am late

Too late to say that ‘I love you’

Too late to say ‘I miss you

Too late to say ‘I need you’

Because you have gone away

I have lost you

You have gone away, never to return

And I regret that I never got the chance to say ‘I am sorry’

Sorry for believing your lies

Sorry for leaving you

Sorry for not sticking together

Sorry for not saying ‘goodbye’

But I tell you now

Fare thee well, my love

May you rest in peace…..

Waiting Time...

“Jenny” he called

I stood still, but didn’t turn, waiting for him to speak.

“I know you are angry” he continued “I know it was wrong of me, but try to understand” he begged.

Then I turned and looked straight at him. He was standing there, a sad expression in his face, as if it is the last time he would ever see me, as, if after today, our parting will be forever

“Understand?” I asked him. My voice was cold I know, but I couldn’t help myself, here I am, heartbroken in to pieces and he just want me to understand it. “What is there to understand Keith? You told me what you have to do and I understand all right, understand really well” said I and turned back to go. Away from him, never to come back but his voice stopped me.

“I am sorry Jenny, I am sorry I hurt you, but if there is anything in the world I can do to spare this moment, I would willingly give my life to it.”

“Being noble Keith?” I asked him. He winced. I know it was because of the sarcasm he heard from my comment, which he had never heard me use before, but what else could he expect? That I would willingly accept what he was telling me? That I would willingly accept this pain he is causing me with his words?

“You know, I am not sorry that this has happened. At least this showed me what it will be if we have continued. Now at least I know what a coward you really are” I told him and ran as far as my leg would carry me. As far as possible from him. Then I could cry in private for the pain Keith had caused me.

Oh Keith! How could you! How could you do this to me? If you could just asked me, I would wait for you. But you didn’t. You decided that this is for the best without consulting me. How can it be for the best? I wanted to shout these words to him. But it was too late. I loved him with all my heart and yet it was not enough. He was leaving me behind…

I came back from my memories. It was raining hard and I couldn’t stop the memories coming back to haunt me. That long ago, when I loved Keith, who also loved me back. But he also broke my heart with his decision to part because he was going away to join the war. To fight for our country. But I was selfish. I wished he would stay for me. That my love will be enough to hold him to me. But I was wrong. I understood now. He couldn’t ask me to wait for him, because he knew someday he may not return. He was noble and sacrificing. But I didn’t want that. I wanted him. No matter what, I waited for him even though he didn’t want me to. All these years when he was away, I kept on listening to the news on the radio for any news that I can get. And prayed daily to keep him alive just for me. It didn’t matter that we are not together, as long as he is alive, it was enough for me. I would wait. Yes I would wait.

Time passed. I never heard from him again. He never wrote to me. I cried every night. Nobody heard my sobbing. Life went on, but I still waited for his return. Waited with every breath I had because without him I am nothing. Nothing.

Then I heard it.

I heard that he was back. He is alive, my heart cried with joy. And waited for him to get in touch with me. For him to send a word for me. But he didn’t. Why? I wondered. I sent him a message, but didn’t get anything back.  So I decided that I would go and look for him.

I travelled just to see him. I was even ready to camp on his doorstep I f he didn’t receive me. Such determination I had. My hope was not wasted, because he was there to open his door. I was so happy to see him that I didn’t notice that something was missing. Then he said “who’s there?”

I just stood there. Disbelief written all over my face. Then I noticed, his eyes were blank and was gazing straight without proper direction. I realized then why he didn’t get in touch with me. Why my messages were not answered.

He was blind!

“Who’s there?” he asked again, this time with a strong voce.

“Keith” I whispered. My eyes were filling with tears, not of pity but of love,

“Jenny” he said softly.  Then he said in a harsh voice “why did you come?”

“I came to see you Keith” I said

“Why? I told you that we are done” he was about to close the door.

“Keith please”

“Go back Jenny. I don’t need you” he said and tried to close the door again, but I stepped inside before he could stop me.

“Go back Jenny” he repeated

“No, Never!” I cried “I can’t Keith, I love you. Please don’t send me back”

“You waited for me’ It was not a question but statement.

“Yes. I waited. What else could I do Keith? I know I was angry and I said hurtful things to you. But I understood what you told me but I couldn’t accept it. How can I?” I asked him

“I was afraid of that” he said “but I can’t marry you now Jenny. Nothing is changed”

“Nothing is changed? You are alive, how can you say that?

“I still can’t. You don’t understand”

“Why?”

“Why? You ask me why? Look at me Jenny” he cried

“I am looking at you” I told him softly

“Don’t you see Jenny, I am blind. How can I take care of you, when I can’t take care of myself” he said bitterly.

“It doesn’t matter Keith, it doesn’t matter. You alive that is all matters”

“It doesn’t matter? Of course it matters”

“No it doesn’t. Unless…” I stopped suddenly with a doubt in my voice.

“Unless?” he asked

“Unless you don’t love me anymore”

“Not love you anymore? How can I not? I loved you from the first moment we met Jenny. Nothing has changed in that way” he said and held his hand.

I ran to hold me and we were both crying while hugging each other.

“But Jenny, I am blind” he said and this time it was just statement. An acceptance of what was happening.

“it doesn’t matter Keith” I reassured him “ would you leave me if I was the one who is blind?” I asked him.

“Never!” he said.

“Exactly!” I said “then now you understand how I can never leave you”

And that was that. He hugged me so strongly that I was little hurt, but the pain was forgotten with the happiness I got when he said “I love you Jenny, I love you so much that I was dreading a life without you, but I couldn’t ask to wait for me when I was not sure if I will be able to return to you.”

“I know love, I know, but it’s all over. We are together now and that is all that matters”

“Yes, together” he said and smiled. We embraced again. 

I knew then there will be hardship in the days ahead to come, but with him beside me, I know I can overcome anything. Because we all heard through all our lives “True Love Conquers All”

Scars so Deep…

I remember her face. Eyes bruised, face pale. She always replied the same. “Just knocked in to a door, son. Don’t worry, it’ll fade”

She used to say that often as I can remember, and I believed it that time. Of course I was a small boy then. I didn’t realize what was happening. I never realized that ‘He’ was responsible for that. And I admired him because he always looked smart. I once thought that I was going to  be like him one day for ‘He’ was my hero.

Just today I became just like him, the man I thought my hero, a man who was responsible for what ‘she’ went through all that time.

But, now I am looking at a different woman. It is my Wife, Bearing the same bruise on her face. But this time, it was not ‘him’ who was responsible; it was I who inflicted on her this terrible pain, all because I was angry over a small matter.

And I heard her telling our son “Just knocked in to a door, son. Don’t worry, it’ll fade”

Now I understand what ‘she’ said all those years ago, the words ‘I just knocked on to a door’ really means.

Hidden Love

A total silence in the room. I knew he has been listening to what I have been telling him all this time, though he didn’t show any reaction. His face looked as if carved in a stone. I kept waiting for him to speak but couldn’t bear the silence any longer. So I got up to leave the room. I almost reached the door when he at last spoke.

“Is that your final decision?”

I turned to look at him. Then I saw it. His face was full of pain. I felt the love I had for him almost thaw my frozen heart. A frozen heart as a result of his continuous indifference he showed me during the brief marriage. I thought I could make him love me, but I realized that I couldn’t make someone falling in love just because we love them.

I turned back to the door and said ‘Yes, that’s my final answer”

“Why?” he asked

“Because.. I love you” I told him without turning.

“You love me?” he asked. “Then why leave me at all?”

 I didn’t reply. So he strode back to me and turned me to face him. He still had his mask of indifference on his face. So it gave me the courage to shrug his hand off and run to the door. But before I left that study room, I told him.

“You don’t love me back”

I ran like all the bats of hell were after me. Tears were coming down. All my unhappiness coming out at last. I was at last inside the bedroom we shared and was about to close the door, when it was pushed. He stood there watching me. I never heard him coming after me. He then came to the room and grabbed me by my arms. His face now full of anguish. Well so was mine.

“Not love you back?” he asked. “What do you think I’ve been doing these last few months” and then pulled me back to him. I was shocked. I couldn’t speak, so I just stood staring at him with my tearful eyes.

Then I at last saw what I was seeking in his eyes. Eyes that held me spellbound the first time we met. it was love.

“ I love you my darling” he finally said. “And all these while I was waiting just for you to say those words to me” and he kissed me. The most wonderful kiss he has ever given me.